When I was in my twenties I was on match.com and plenty of fish. I was dating and getting to know a lot of men. Since I find intellect sexually appealing I was never in any rush to jump the bones of my dates but would rather have felt a mental connection. Today, there is a neologism (newly created word) for it called Sapiosexual.
I found that a lot of my friends, who were also dating as rapidly as I was, were riddled with drama and disappointment yet I was drama free and having fun while having expensive meals and crafted cocktails.
The biggest difference between my experiences and theirs was what I called the four date rule. I would require that we go on at least 4 dates before I would even consider being intimate with them (kissing aside). Most of my girlfriends would end up sleeping with them after the second date some even on the first so I decided to ask them if they would try it for themselves. What they found is similar to what I noticed when I was participating in the dating game using the four date rule methodology.
There are some people who hate that I refer to it as a game and I have to be honest that I don’t like it either but it is a game no matter how you swing it. Everyone is trying to find the best possible partner in the shortest amount of time. What they want from that partner may vary but when we are dating we are actively looking for someone. You can be yourself and of course be honest but there are social norms and dating etiquette that if not followed won’t even get you a second date. So like any game, there are rules.
Women have the right to be more selective, to take their time, to not feel rushed and to truly get to know someone. I’ve dated men before that I didn’t have sex with for a few months and they became aggressive and angry because of the lack of intimacy. We weren’t in a committed relationship so I thought it was odd that he was pressuring me into spreading my legs when I wasn’t quite there yet. Luckily I didn’t take the threats and intimidation personally and I tossed him to the curb. I was sad because I enjoyed his company but no one should be pressuring you to have sex with them and thankfully I dodged that bullet.
I wrote the four date rule as just a general guideline for women to follow to remind them to take their time and to really get to know someone. To ask hard questions, to stand up for themselves and to know that they don’t have to be used in any way.
People have asked me, “Well aren’t the men being used?” Dates don’t have to cost any money. It could be a bike ride, planting a tree, volunteering together. Dates don’t have to be expensive cocktails and overpriced tapas at gastropubs unless you want to. I’ve been on many dates with men who I knew were financially sound and I paid for the cocktails…mostly because I didn’t want them to feel that I owed them anything and I didn’t want them to feel used and they really appreciated it. Unfortunately a lot of men spend a lot of money trying to find the one and sometimes it’s nice to have someone treat you for a change.
Growing up I read my fair share of dating and relationship guides and I found them to be stereotypical, sexist, full of catty games that were not only confusing but downright manipulative.
I wanted to create a guidebook that allowed women to weave through this giant chasm of dating and come out breathing, happy and with a healthy meaningful relationship.
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