Kicking them to the Curb! Strategies for Saying No to a Date or Anyone.

Sometimes it can be hard to say no. I was raised to believe that we should be “yes men.” My mantra is thank you for the opportunities and the courage to say yes. Because, I admit, I sometimes find saying no to be a struggle. People are unpredictable and highly emotional creatures. Whether you just met for drinks or you’ve been casually seeing eachother for a few weeks, rejecting someone is not easy. The fact that it isn’t easy means you are not a sociopath. Congratulations! Sometimes no matter you could of done, the best strategy is to kick them to the curb.

Let’s say you go on a date for drinks with a really nice guy you met on Bumble. You talked on the phone a few times and feel optimistic. You meet and he doesn’t look anything like his pictures. The guy in the pics was well groomed and your date, is not. He has the longest nastiest toenails sticking out his Birkenstalks. He is wearing a faded flannel shirt in June. It’s all wrong. . know , texted for a bit this problem comes to people who have just been asked out. Does anyone enjoy being And no one wants the responsibility of making anyone feel not worthy. At the same time its more respectful to not waste peoples time. Just because he wasn’t the one for me doesn’t mean he isn’t perfect for someone else.

You are not in debt to this person. The only person you have a responsibility to is yourself.

If you agree to date someone you don’t find appealing, then inevitably, you will have to deal with angry backlash.

A friend of mine, we’ll call her Jenny, recently went out with a guy she met at the gym. Although they had a nice time she didn’t feel any chemistry and couldn’t see herself going on another date with him. Instead of being direct, she decided to ignore his calls and texts. She hoped that it would blow over. It didn’t and what happened instead, according to Jenny, was catastrophic. While she was running on the treadmill, he aggressively approached her. He demanded to know why she refused to respond to any of his numerous attempts at communication.

Before she could get a word out he began to put her down and call her names in front of everyone at the gym. Needless to say she changed gyms after that. Unfortunately for Jenny, she could of avoided the whole thing. As a result of her ghosting that guy, he got hurt. Obviously that guy was emotionally unstable and she dodged a bullet. Being straightforward and direct in dating and in life allows for less complications.

Breakup Factors.

Bad dates are just a part of dating. Sometimes relationships don’t work out. Let’s say you are being asked out and want to say no. How about you find yourself on a date with zero chemistry? The goal is to let them down gently and respectfully. Be direct and tell them that you are not interested. but appreciate their time.

Baxter and Associates conducted exploratory research in the 1980s to identify the strategies people use to end relationships (Baxter, 1982; Wilmot, Carbaugh, & Baxter, 1985). Across several studies, they asked individuals to describe the behaviors and processes that they personally used to end a relationship. The researchers identified 40 strategies from those responses, which were further classified into four distinct breakup factors:

  • Positive Tone: Strategies used for reducing a partner’s negative feelings.
  • Openness: Strategies clearly communicating the desire and reasons to break up.
  • Avoidance/Withdrawal: Strategies reducing or avoiding contact with the partner.
  • Manipulation: Strategies involving deceit or using a third party to end the relationship.

Breaking up sucks. As you might expect using a positive and/or open strategy when breaking up would be the most effective and truly compassionate. (Sprecher, Zimmerman, & Abrahams, 2010; Sprecher, Zimmerman, & Fehr, 2014). Across several studies, the team found that participants reported certain strategies to be among the best. I’ve combined what they found and I’m giving these tips and tricks to you.

Strategies for Breaking Up.

Several studies showed that participants reported certain strategies for being better for letting someone down. I’ve combined what they found and what I’ve found and I’m giving

Know What You Want.

Oh yeah! If you know what you want, there is no sweet talking or gifts or anything that would stop you from getting away or saying no. When you have a clear vision of what you want in your life, it’s easier to tell if it’s not a match. You are not here to please everybody but if you are clear on what you want out of your life and what you expect from your partner, then you’ll spend less time looking for it.

Find a time to talk face to face.

Not only is it unhealthy to break up or say  “not interested” to someone through text…it’s also down right rude. It also could make things worse if the person has anger issues and a big giant aggressive scene could explode on you like Jenny and her crazy gym date.

Be appreciative.

Tell the person how you much you appreciate their time and acknowledge the effort that they made to try to get to know you. Just because you aren’t feeling a vibe, the person made themselves vulnerable to you and it deserves to be acknowledged. My mom told me once, “enjoy being in your thirties because when get to sixty getting hit on is a rarity.” My mom is a beautiful woman, but I understand that young men might not be banging down her door to procreate.

Try to avoid leaving things on a sour note.

Don’t purposefully try to offend or antagonize them. Some people are legitimately crazy assholes and even if you are the sweetest, nicest person in the world, they will still go off on you when being rejected. The best thing to do is make sure you are in a public place and be as nice as to the point as possible.

Be Honest 

When all is said and done, being honest is usually the best policy. Although, some things could be left unsaid. For example “I’m sorry. It’s not going to work out. You are insanely ugly,” may not be the best choice. In contrast, consider, “I’m sorry. I don’t think we are a good fit for each other. Our lifestyles are two widely different and we want different things in life.” It’s honest and I found that it accurately fit most of my bad dates.

Don’t point fingers

Not only will blaming the person be destructive, it will create tension and make it less likely to have a nice smooth exit. Being honest is important but using “I” statements while explaining why you don’t want them in your life can be a lot more beneficial. By taking responsibility we learn more about ourselves as well as others.

Don’t play the blame game.

By accepting fallibility as a route toward self-improvement we can truly make things better for ourselves and improve ourselves for whomever we truly want to date.

Make them think it was their idea.

People tend to naturally feel motivated to do anything if they feel it was their idea. Convincing the person that they don’t want to date or be with you either will make things very peaceful. If they feel this is mutually beneficial, then any anxiety over feeling like you are rejecting someone goes away.

Say No!

After all the fussing and the talking, just say “No.” That’s the idea of it all. You should never feel pushed into something that doesn’t make you feel comfortable. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline is a great resource for anyone who wants to talk or ask questions. They are open 24/7 and can help you identify a healthy relationship and how to get away from someone who might possibly be unhealthy for you. 1-800-799-7233

By using these direct tips, tricks, and strategies you will ease the dumping process, reduce negative feelings all around and even increase the chances that you could come out of this friends.

  • Baxter, L. A. (1982). Strategies for ending relationships: Two studies. The Western Journal of Speech Communication, 46, 223-241.
  • Sprecher, S., Zimmerman, C., & Abrahams, E. M. (2010). Choosing compassionate strategies to end a relationship: Effects of compassionate love for partner and the reason for the breakup. Social Psychology, 41, 66-75.
  • Sprecher, S., Zimmerman, C., & Fehr, B. (2014). The influence of compassionate love on strategies used to end a relationship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 31, 697-705.
  • Wilmot, W. W., Carbaugh, D. A., & Baxter, L. A. (1985). Communicative strategies used to terminate romantic relationships. The Western Journal of Speech Communication, 49, 204-216.

24 Reasons Strong Women Won’t Date You?

Strong women are amazing. We are outgoing, charismatic, fun, passionate, together, independent and loving. Most men if not all dream of dating a strong woman. Strong women are desired because of all of the wonderful qualities she possesses. A lot of men don’t understand why they haven’t had success finding and or dating a strong woman. We must first understand why you are not getting the time of day in the first place. I’ve put together a list of 24 reasons why a strong woman might not want to date you. Read on to better your odds and level the playing field. Eventually you might just land the woman of your dreams.

Strong women are amazing. We are outgoing, charismatic, fun, passionate, together, independent and loving. Most men if not all dream of dating a strong woman. Strong women are desired because of all of the wonderful qualities she possesses. A lot of men don’t understand why they haven’t had success finding and or dating a strong woman. We must first understand why you are not getting the time of day in the first place. I’ve put together a list of 24 reasons why a strong woman might not want to date you. Read on to better your odds and level the playing field. Eventually you might just land the woman of your dreams.



Comments

  1. I always appreciate posts that reference reliable sources or reputable researches. These are points I could take into mind myself as I have problems as to saying no to people just because I don’t want to seem like a jerk. Thank you so much for this!

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