In my twenties my best friend, Lisa, and I did not agree about monogamy. I believed it was possible for two people to remain monogamous. My friend believed it was impossible for people to be monogamous at all. In my mid thirties, after having three boyfriends serially cheat on me, being married and finding my own mind tending to stray, I started to wonder if there was something to her theory. It wasn’t until recently that I started to really examine the differences between actual monogamy and the expectations of monogamy. I began to really understand this complicated subject.
What’s the difference between love and compatibility?
First of all we need to understand the difference between love and compatibility. Love and compatibility are not the same. You can love someone very deeply but you don’t have to like them. Just because you have strong feelings does not mean that you are meant to be together. Many people have, at one point, been convinced by their feelings. They believe that they have met their perfect match but ultimately discover that they aren’t compatible with them. Consider, at the very least, modern divorce rates.
Commitment is not synonymous with exclusivity.
Commitment means being dedicate to your partner. Being exclusive means being restricted to your partner. Being in a healthy committed relationship is the goal. But whether or not it’s exclusive before, after or even at all is a conversation that you need to have. I have a friend who is in an exclusive relationship with a guy. She considers herself not in a committed relationship because she has never met his family. She says she sees no foreseeable future but prides herself on being sexually a one man woman. I have another friend who considers herself in a committed relationship. They live together, eat together, travel together and go to family dinners at each other’s parents house. But they have an open sexual relationship with rules.
When you assume you make an “ass” out of “u” and “me”.
For a long time I assumed that commitment and exclusivity were synonymous. I assumed my “boyfriends” felt the same. The truth is that it wasn’t fair to assume. It was time for a mature, well-reasoned, level headed. It’s a bad sign if you can’t have a conservation about what you are looking for in a relationship. And if you can’t communicate with each other then you frankly are not mature enough to be dating.
As it turns out monogamy is completely subjective. I don’t think we will ever know if it’s natural for people to be truly monogamous. Monogamy is an ongoing conversation between a couple. You become more aligned when you take the time to listen and understand.
Please comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences on this controversial subject. Thanks <3